The Ten Commandments v2.0

The 10 commandments, allegedly gods word and moral code. Its quite obvious, they are completely inadequate, not only for the time they were fabricated, by bronze age Palestinians, but even more so now. Humanity has come up with more heinous crimes with international reach and committed on an industrial scale.

Examining the commandments, the first questions to raise alarms, why the finite number of 10 and why God has never added amendments? Surely, the moral instructions of the all powerful deity should be progressive and adjusted to cope with geo-political changes and progression of technology and communications.

The first 4 commandments are the first to go.
“I am the LORD thy God
Thou shalt have no other gods
No graven images or likenesses
Not take the LORD's name in vain”
I am the lord thy God, that’s more of a statement from a narcissistic, despot dictator than a commandment. Looking closer at the actual statement that was made, we can view the greater extent of this.

“I am Yahweh your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me, and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

 
"Yahweh", really. The less said about that the better.

You shall have no other gods before me.  Now the dictating starts, although the "before me" line leaves the door open for as many gods as you like, in the understanding that Yahweh is praised the most. A clear indication of an inferiority complex and the attempted construction of a hierarchy of deities.
No graven images or likenesses, has been the most misinterpreted of all the commandments. On one hand, the Roman Catholics have completely ignored this. The churches of Rome are filled to the rafters with, statues, idols, symbols and art works which are to all intents, bowed to, worshipped and served. On the other hand the Islamic community not only follow this to the nth degree but issue the fatwā, an Islamic version of a death warrant, for something as benign as a satirical cartoon.

Thou shall not take the lords name in vain, really, why not? Its doesn’t even give a sense of context in which the lords name is take in vain. If an anvil is dropped on your toe and you shout "GOD" at the top of your voice, what is the punishment? Eternal damnation? A bit harsh if, you consider some other crimes or moral outrages that are not covered by the divine insurance policy to heaven. 

The most disturbing aspect of the statement containing the first four of the commandments is, "for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God". Not only is this contradictory to large parts of the bible as a whole but completely goes against the commandment of coveting donkeys and the like. Already, we are confused and conflict arises are the motives of Yahweh are being questioned. OK, he has megalomaniac tendencies, that has been established. Though he can be jealous, we can not.
Easiest thing to do at this point, bin the first four commandments and amend with a single commandment that is able to cover humanity as a whole and the vast array of cultural and religious diversity.
New Commandment Number one.
“You are free to believe in a god or gods, but do not force the will of that god onto others or collect taxes or use public funds in the name of that god.”

Remember the Sabbath day, keep it holy. This again is not only ridiculous but unhelpful and lacking information.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labour, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy."

Six days you shall labour, is this compulsory? What if your sick or have nothing to do? But the seventh day is Sabbath, on it you shall not do any work. It doesn’t even say what day the Sabbath is. What calender are we working from here? Is it the Julian calender, the Mayan calender? Who knows. Christians think its Sunday, Jews think Saturday, Muslims a Friday and the Hindus were never forwarded the memo on the 10 commandments. 3/4 of the people are doing it wrong and condemned to impending doom.

This is a waste of a commandment. If you only have ten slots, surely, you could come up with something better than that, especially, as an all knowing, omnipotent being. I am only a mere mortal but I would have used the space for something far worse than not working on the holy day. Perhaps, thou shall not imprison thy daughter in a dark, makeshift dungeon of thy basement and repeatedly rape her for 20 years and abort thy incestuous offspring. A clear violation of human rights and much more worthy of eternal damnation that refusing to sit on your arse on a Sunday. There is not a commandment that covers this practice and its, if the commandments are the ultimate moral code, perfectly acceptable to do this without fear of retribution

Honour Thy Father and mother. In the first instance this seems perfectly fair. Though its quite self explanatory and hardly worthy of a spot on the list. It's human nature to honour your parents. The commandment seems though, to be compulsory under any circumstances and no exceptions are granted. See the above example were the honouring of your father is not advised. What if, your mother was complicit in the physical, mental or sexual abuse by a step father, does she deserve to be honoured? An alcoholic or drug addict mother who neglects her children? This commandment is flawed, though well meaning, its inadequate and doesn’t cover the scope of life.

New Commandment number 2

“Never hurt a child physically or mentally and always care for your children .”

Mothers and fathers deserve honour but its not essential. The well being of children is and in all forms

“Thou shall not kill.”

Probably regarded as the most important of the commandments but again is inadequate, vague and fails to cover all the bases of modern society. Its doesn’t state weather its exclusive to humans or if stepping on an insect will result in the fiery pits of hell. Again like some of the other commandments, its seems to be without exception. What if a paedophile is strangling and raping your child? He is a 17 stone man and 6 foot 4 inches. You are a five foot, seven stone women and your only option is to shoot the perpetrator in the head? What if, you have the opportunity to assassinate a political leader who has interned an entire ethical group of people and plans on exterminating them. Would it not be justified to kill him? i'd argue yes. It doesn’t seem to cover being complicit in murder or ordering killings via political will.

New commandment 3
“Do not commit murder or genocide.”

This makes the unlawful killing of people forbidden and the ordering or willing of killing groups, all condemned. By replacing kill with murder it leaves the opportunity to defend yourself and your loved ones.

“Thou shall not commit adultery.”

Probably one of the commandments that is showing signs of dating. Though considered wrong, adultery is a part of human nature. The males instincts from natural selection is to seek as many partners as possible and like wise the females is to seek the best partner possible. Biology and Darwinian natural selection have set the stage for mass adultery, which we have seen from the beginning of time. When the commandments were written the life expectancy of a human was an average of about 30 years old. With human life expectancy more than doubled, its only natural that partners will grow weary of one and other and seek new partners. Adultery is not good but is more of a burden and inconvenience than a moral outrage. Surely, an area not covered by the 10 commandments for more evil despicable crimes should substitute adultery.

New Commandment 4
“Do not engage in any form of non consensual sexual activity.”

I think that not raping people deserves to be on the list rather than adultery. The ten commandments do not cover rape, sexual assaults, and the like in any form. Does god condone this behaviour? Do the ten commandments give a green like to rapist, peeping toms and sexual deviants? The lack of condemnation seems to suggest so, if only in its lack of importance by god.

“Thou shall not steal.”

Again self evident and obeyed by most sane human beings but does it cover the bases for the modern world. Is JP Morgan silver shorts regarded by God as stealing? Does the sealing of others assets in the fractional reserve banking system a form of stealing? Does creating money form nothing and lending it to the people at interest a form of stealing? Is creating fraudulent derivatives in a Goldman Sachs office with toxic loans and selling them on a theft? This commandment again well intentioned but is not fit for purpose in today’s world of mass cooperate interest, central banking and global communication

New commandment 5

“Do not steal, commit fraud, embezzle, create false wealth or use other's property as collateral.

Financial crimes are the most wide spread, industrialised and have the furthest reach and consequences in the modern world. The new 5th commandment outlaws such industrial thief ranging from JP Morgan's selling of precious metals they do not own through to stealing of tumblers from the pub.

"Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour"

The most important of the 10 commandments and probably the least stuck too. It is probably worded incorrectly, leaving for ambiguity and misinterpretation. This in it's greater context has lead too, throughout history, some of the most hanous crimes against humanity.

Shall not bear false witness, is this in terms of a court system as a lowest common denominator or is it lies in any form from basic  over exaggerating to accusing an innocent person of murder?

Who exactly is your neighbours. Is it the guy next door, people of your town, people of your ethnicity? It doesn't say. It could be interpreted that way, allowing the Jews to be blamed for everything. We've seen that before.

In February 1933 Adolf Hitler ordered the burning of the German reichstag and blamed the communist party. Their members were arrested and the Nazi party consolidated it's power and suspended civil liberties. That lead to, ethnic cleansing, genocide, torture and 100 million dead in a world war.

The gulf of Tonkin incident started the Vietnam war. The u.s. government fabricated a story about the North Vietnamese attacking a u.s. ship. The incident never took place.

A million Iraqis lay dead because false evidence was presented to the world about the Iraqis having weapons of mass destruction . No such weapons existed.

The false flag as arisen many times in history and results in the most despicable crimes against humanity. It is the worst form of lies that usually results in dire consequences for the entire planet.

Are all lies wrong, according to to orthodox commandment it would seem so. Are there circumstances were lying or bearing false witness is acceptable?

It could be argued that lying for the greater good is acceptable. Hundreds of millions lie to children about Santa clause. Is this harmful? I've not seen any evidence to suggest it is. People will tell friends a performance they gave was good when, it was poor, to save their feelings.

New commandment 6
“Do not committee perjury, do not wilfully lie for personal gain or the detriment of others or create an event to blame on another party.”

At last my favourite commandment for many reasons, the one with donkey

“You shall not covet your neighbour’s house. You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.”

Ring the alarms bells, here comes the thought police. For the first time, god has instructed us what not to think. Not only our actions are being judged but our very conscious and subconscious thoughts.

Are the thoughts god is forbidding so morally outrageous? My next door neighbours donkey is fabulous, it has a shiny coat, strong carrot gnawing teeth, a bushy tail and can carry a mighty load. My donkey on the hand looks as though it has rickets, is blind in one eye and can't walk the length of it's self.

Should I not aspire to have a donkey as good as him next door. Is aspiration not the path to personal progression. If we are forbidden to be inspired and aspire to be as good as others, do we not lose a vital tool in the pursuit of progression as a species?

We are also forbidden to covet the neighbours wife. I myself would never covet my neighbours wife as she looks like a female version of John Merrick. Now, that being said I have coveted a wife or two in my time. We have already been commanded to not committed adultery but now we are ordered not to think about it.

Dictating the thoughts of people is dangerous and Ill advised. Can we really control our thoughts, especially those generated in the furthest parts of the subconscious. If my dreams where held accountable in court as actions , I'd have been locked up a long time ago.

This commandment to me is a badly phrased, padded and a work around of, thou shall not be jealous. Hasn't Yahweh already declared the fact of his own jealousy, should he not lead by example? A glaring contradiction and unhelpful moral argument.

Again, mentioned are the man servants and the maid servants. Yahweh has mentioned these servants more than once. Are they paid or slaves? The fact we are ordered not to labour them on the Sabbath suggests to me they are unwilling participants in their servitude.

Rather than attempt to infringe our free will with thought authoritarianism, would it not be in the greater interest of all to ensure the freedom of man kind.

New commandment 7
“Do not have, trade, participate in slavery or hold the innocent captive against their will.”

We need to cover classical slavery as well as modern slavery such as the sex trade and human trafficking. Also, kidnapping is covered by this update and hostage taking and detention without trial.

The original commandments have been condensed down from 10 to 7 yet there scope and range have been vastly increased and the outdated nonsense removed.

We have covered the florescent omissions from the original 10 such as rape, slavery, genocide and mass corruption but more has to be done. Crimes against nature and protection of the future, I argue have to be included as well as other omissions such as discrimination.

New commandment 8
“Never withhold or suppress knowledge from humanity.”

In an ever changing environment it is important that knowledge and technological advancements are made available to all to ensure humanity has a future.

In an environment where energy sources are finite, the suppressing of an alternative to fossil fuels such as cold fusion or efficient solar power would be a despicable crime not only against us all but our children and their children. In a world of economic gain from the scarcity of resources, it's clear to see why some would gain to benefit over the many in such a case.

Medical knowledge should be open, transparent and available to all. Imagine a cheap cure for cancer being with held from humanity for the profit line of big pharmaceutical companies. Is that not a crime of massive proportion ?

Knowledge of considerable philosophical should also be disclosed, imagine the undisputed evidence for the existence of extra terrestrial life or worse, contact with extra terrestrial life being covered up from humanity by a state or special interest groups.

I shutter to think what wonders were removed from the offices of Nikola Tesla at the time of his death . Again the evil hand of j.p. Morgan dips into the mix for his own advantage. These things can not go unchecked

New commandment 9
“Do not interfere with the water supply, food supply or the atmosphere for profit or personal gain.”

Water, food and air are the three most import things for the survival of the species. For individuals to meddle with any of these for profit, personal or collective advantage is not only a moral outrage but a crime against humanity.

Companies such as Monsanto messing with mother nature at her fundamental level in the name of the bottom line, is outrageous.

The long term consequences are grave and deplorable. Creating non replicating seeds, forcing farmers in the third and first world to repeatedly buy seeds is disgusting. Spicing genes with insects and plants creating genetic crops with built in pesticides and other toxins is beyond belief and the long term effects will be irreversable.

Diverting water supplies to the advantage of one group of another is clearly wrong. Dumping toxins into the water is also clearly wrong. It's a fundamental right of all humanity to have a natural water supply.

Our atmosphere is the biosphere of life. Should such crimes as chem-trailing be allowed? Not only is consent withheld but this shouldn't be done in a clandestine manner, that is so much worse.

Weather modification will also fall under the domain of this addition. If used as a weapon or an attempt to change weather for the good of one group over another is despicable.

The all knowing deity feels this is not worthy but surely as a rational people we should include and attire to this practice.

New commandment 10
“All humans are equal, do not treat any human different from another for any reason.”

The mighty Yahweh didn't find discrimination in any form worthy of inclusion on his commands. Without question, fundamental to our humanity is the right of all of us to be treated and respected the same no matter our colour , creed , sex etc. This is something humanity has realised on it's own without Divine guidance or intervention. We have fought for it and worked for it through multiple generations. And our own sense of right is slowly bringing us through the other side of the issue.

I have managed to throw together and discuss, in the space of an hour, ten commandments that have far greater scope and range than the divine. We don't need deities to give us morals or ethics. We get our morals from discussion and debate, social commentary, our courts, public opinion, presidents set, our disgusted at crimes, our internal moral compasses set by our empathy and compassion and through experience.

The New Commandments
1. You are free to believe in a god or gods, but do not force the will of that god onto others or collect taxes or use public funds in the name of that god.
2. Never hurt a child physically or mentally and always care for your children.
3. Do not commit murder or genocide.
4. Do not engage in any form of non consensual sexual activity.
5. Do not steal, commit fraud, embezzle or create false wealth or use other's property as collateral.
6. Do not committee perjury, do not wilfully lie for personal gain or the detriment of others or create an event to blame on another party.
7. Do not have, trade, participate in slavery or hold the innocent captive against their will.
8. “Never withhold or suppress knowledge from humanity.
9. Do not interfere with the water supply, food supply or the atmosphere for profit or personal gain.
10. All humans are equal, do not treat any human different from another for any reason.

Hypocritical public, here is a band wagon, hop on.

It must be recognised that everything has probably been said regarding the MPs expenses issue. I am not here to bang on about the rights and wrongs, the moral dilemmas or the braking of the rules/not braking of the rules. It’s been done by the media already. They have created a bandwagon for the public of the U.K. to jump on and they have leapt into the arms of Fleet Street driver like a bluebottle into the blue neon glow of an electric fly zapper.

My gripe is not with the MPs, it is with the hypocrites of this nation, the adorable British public. Since the Telegraph have let trickle, on a daily basis, a new snippet of information regarding an other member of parliament who some editor or journo has ear marked for an ousting, there has been no shortage of outrage expressed by “the good old” tax paying public on television, radio, the written press and the blogosphere.

I, not for a moment, would agree that some of these claims are not morally questionable nor in some cases, as time will tell, fraudulent but will not sit and condemn the actions of MPs. Why? Because if I was a serving member of parliament, I would be claiming for the exact same types of “luxuries” permitted within the rules as the MPs have. The vast majority of the British people who say they wouldn’t are frankly, nothing more than lying scumbags.

As the speaker of the house is forced to resign, as a scapegoat, and in doing so is the first in 314 years to be booted from the chair, I as a member of his parliamentary constituency have to look around this area and laugh with much contempt at the vile hypocrisy I see before me. Do not be fooled, I in no way think that Speaker Martin, the man who is chuffer driven to Celtic park every other week at the tax payers expense, when I have to walk everywhere because I can’t afford the bus, is either a good speaker or reprehensive of his constituency. To be fair, I was over joyed to hear that not only is he sanding down as speaker but also as an MP, forcing a by election in Glasgow North East, my home, and restoring democracy to Springburn.

For those of you who have never voted in a constituency that is the home of the speaker, let me enlighten you to the voting procedure, the waste of a walk to the polling station, the denial of democracy that is Election Day in the speaker’s town. Unfortunately as the speaker is “suppose” to show no political bias, the main stream parties do not appose the re-election of the speaker. Thus the constituents are giving a voting slip, which most can’t tell the difference from a betting slip, which looks vaguely as this:

1. the speaker of the house seeking re-election
2. far right Nazis
3. extreme left communists and Marxists
4. tree huggers and woolly hat wearing party
5. None of the above, I am off back to the pub

A fine choice for the modern young voter, I must admit. Since Michael Martin has had the sheer good fortune of being a member for the Labour party, which is frankly woven into the fabric of this uneducated, alcoholic and drug abusing, non manifesto reading, can’t tell you why they vote labour apart from the fact the priest told them to constituency and with the benefit of no creditable opposition his re-election is assured. This leaves the constituents with an MP with no vote in parliament and us with no voice, the Commons with a speaker who knows not of procedure, is completely bias to the government in debate and treats the job as though he where a shop steward rather than the third most important person in the political landscape.

I am sure I have shown without constraint that I am no admirer of speaker Martin but what caused me to gag even more is the vile thieving constituents, crawling from the political wood work to slate the man. Let’s look at Springburn, home of what was once the greatest centre of railway manufacturing in Europe. Not any more because the “good” people of Springburn stole so much from the factories they were laid bare and forced to close. It was strongly believed around Springburn in the 80s, when Martin rose to power, that there was more British rail carpet in the homes of Springburn than there was in BR headquarters and waterloo station combined. Every where you went, some one knew a person who “worked in the Cali” which was the wheel turning plant. Every home in Springburn for 20 years had either BR or an intercity logo embroiled on something.

I say to you people of Springburn,

Look at form you filled in for your disability living allowance you neither need nor deserve. Those of you who are as disabled as an Olympic athlete and who lie and cheat your way to the cash because you are either bone idol or use it to supplement the undeclared scaffolding job you have. Look at the forms you fill in for your long term unemployment benefit. Is it truthful?, did you really apply for any jobs this week?, not a chance on earth, you lazy scrounger. Look at the form for your mobility car, do you really need a car because of that fake limp? No, you have that car because you are exploiting a system. Finally to you, my favourite of them all, the tax credit sucking leech that is the single parent. When you are drinking your tax credits in a night club rather than spending time with your child, when you are asking a sap of a man to move in to your paid for house/flat, are you going to declare this fact? Not a chance hypocrite. None of you have any right to censure the speaker or any other MPs until you actually start paying taxes and only then can you question what they are actually spent on.

My opinion is not confined to the people of Springburn, I say to you, the people next to the closed Rover factory, who have houses painted British racing green, the same. To the Fleet Street journo who asks the cabbie for a blank receipt so he/she can claim twice as much, the same thing. To the tradesmen who are sitting drinking beer with the difference made going to the cheaper hotel, when the boss thinks you’re in decent accommodation, the same.

Do not be hypocrites Britons, do not condemn what you would do and are doing and will do again until the day you die. See this scandal for what it really is, mega rich media tycoons ousting a government from power in vengeance for a recession that has lost them billions collectively. Step down from the band wagon.

Top Ten To Do’s Before You Die.

I often see lists or charts created by people listing the activities, tasks and places to visit before they die. More often than not these lists are totally ridiculous and down right unachievable.

1. Find cures for Cancer, H.I.V. and Ebola
2. Be the first person on Mars
3. Sail around the world solo on the back of a smokes packet
4. Score the winning hat-trick in the UEFA champions league final
5. Win 12 gold medals at an Olympic games (summer and winter)
6. Become King/Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Commonwealth
7. Do a three year stint as secretary general of the United Nations
8. Bring a dinosaur back to life
9. Broker a lasting middle east peace deal
10. Save a whale/rhino/hippo/giant panda or other large mammal from extinction.

There is nothing like ambition. “If you aim for the moon, you may die on the way”. I think it is reasonable to have a list of worthwhile activities to achieve while on this rock but keep your ambition within the realm of sanity.

Investigating this subject, I find that there is a vast number of websites that are not only able to offer advice on things to do before you die but turn you upside down and shake the money from your pants in an attempt to organise it on your behalf. Take trifter.com as an example of flourishing ideas. My new friends at trifter have listed at number 1, “Go sky diving, Taking a leap-of-faith out of the cargo hold on a B90 King Air airplane at an altitude of approximately 30,000ft” this is a fine example of an ambition that is both affordable and achievable. Indeed, if you do it for charity you may be able to it free. A wise choice, if that’s the type of activity you believe you can proudly say you have done. So, all is well at trifter, until you see suggestion number 2. “Dock with the international space station” this is the type of unachievable dribble that is the watermark of modern day insanity. I am not saying that this can not be done if you have a spare £30 million and know a guy at the Plesetsk Cosmodrome but how many of us do. About eight people out of a population 6 billion.

Sporting activities are another stupid goal of the over ambitious nut. Listen, if you are not a professional sportsman in your chosen sport by the age of nineteen you never will be. Scoring the winning touch down at the Super Bowl or banging in that injury time headed winner at the world cup final is out of the question. Please do not waste the ink by including it on the list. The only exception, I can think of, to this is darts. You may wish to consider adding winning the Embassy World Darts Championship at the Lakeside Country Club. Let’s face it, what other sport can you participate in while drinking lager from a pint tumbler and polishing of two decks of free sponsor supplied smokes. It is, after all, sponsored by smokes and most former title holders are over weight, pie eating forty some things like my darts hero John “Jockey” Wilson in 1989. So if you wish to list “Win the Embassy World Darts Championship” to your chart, be my guest.

Try avoiding any political ambition or becoming a high ranking member of the monarchy. Kings and Queens are usually picked before birth by divine selection of god himself. It usually can be difficult to sway the decisions of the almighty himself after he has made his mind up. Being a monarch is over rated anyway, imagine having to pose for the drawings on stamps everyday and your subjects not wanting your passport any more as trading it in for an Irish equivalent usually means those subjects will be a the back of the queue for execution by Jihad terrorists on a hijacked plane. Also who wants to be treated like a princess by their boyfriend nowadays anyways? He gets pissed and crashes the car at 155mph in a tunnel, doesn’t sound like much fun to me. Monarchy ambitions are best left alone.

Obscure and weird things I do however endorse, when thinking of activities to add to the list. There was a weird program on, the ever fun, channel four in the United Kingdom called “99 things to do before you die”. These guys new exactly what they were doing. No wannabe astronauts or soccer stars here. One of the contenders from there list was “drink moonshine with American hillbillies”. Is that not a fantastic ambition? Let’s go into the Deep South and sit on a slack jawed, straw hat wearing hillbilly’s porch and booze up on his finest moonshine. I do think it would be wise to let a loved one know where you are going first though. There may be a danger of waking in the hillbilly’s basement bound and gagged and being renamed “Gimp boy”. The presenter, Welsh “Super Shagger”, Steve Jones actually did this, after hallucinating for several hours, Steve vomited and passed out, if I can recollect this correctly. My favourite from their list though, had to be, “model for an agony aunt photo story”. I am unsure if the agony aunt photo story is confined to the British tabloid but if you are unfamiliar with them I have include a photo for you benefit. I like this because it such an extraordinary idea and over weight, beetroot faced presenter Rob, actually did this and can keep the paper to show his grandchildren. Is that not what ambition and achievement is all about?

I also have a list of my own but no outlandish or ostentatious ambitions are included. Only some of the things I would like to do in my life before I myself depart.

1. Run a marathon: What is the most challenging thing about completing a twenty six mile run. Well apart from the year long, relentless and physically demanding exhaustion house of a training schedule, for me it’s where to participate. The obvious choice would be London. The most prestigious of marathons without doubt and would kill two birds with one stone (see below). For me that is a bit too cliché, “I ran the London Marathon” and there is the added danger of stepping in the waste of the women’s world record holder Paula “pooping” Radcliffe. No, I would rather run a more obscure choice of Marathon such as the Minsk Marathon. As well as being able to compete in the challenge of the marathon itself, it would also allow me so see the wonders of Belarus.
2. Visit London: You almost live there but you never visit. I really should go see London. It is after all only “Down the Road”. It must be amongst the most famous and historical cities in the world. Being so close I promise to visit before I die.
3. Get a boat: This may seem ridiculous to some but it is something I have always wanted. I don’t mean a large power cruiser or 300 ft pleasure boat or anything out of my price range, which is everything with my pending divorce, though, after a lottery win you couldn’t keep my arse out of Prossers. Just a little power/jet boat would do.
4. See the Great Pyramid of Giza: This is something that everyone needs to see including me. A massive stone building built by slaves 6,000 years ago must be worth the admission price.
5. Go to a world cup finals: Unfortunately, if my country doesn’t qualify it will be 12 years since they have and the prospects of them qualifying before I die will dwindle like my own centre forward ambitions. Though, I remain ever hopeful of attending to watch my own country participate, I will go, just to be apart from the spectacle and to “savour the atmosphere” which I have heard can be rather unsavoury around the fan camp site. My memories of France 98 and false memories of Argentina 78 are for ever imprinted in my mind and I would like to live that dream.
6. Get a motorcycle/motorcycle licence: I think everyone should be able to ride a motorcycle and have owned at least one motorcycle at some point in their life. I have unfortunately never owned a bike though have been on many as a child and gone on automatic scooters round the sunny roads of the Med countries and an island of the Aegean. Though the image of a large chopper enters the mind of most, I am more partial to a Japanese super bike and the paraphernalia that goes with it. The image, the helmet, the jacket, the boots and the women on the back.
7. Stand on and crush to death a venomous spider. I hate those things. Black widows, red backs, funnel webs the list goes on. I would like to stand on one and kill it. That way it could never climb into a sleeping baby’s bed and bite the infant to death. That way I would have saved a child’s live by proxy.
8. Get the tape of me on the “Untied Shoe Laces Show” filmed in 1984 from the BBC archives: I appeared on this show and was interviewed in some depth by man of the time “Tiger” Tim Stevens. Granted, I was 5 years old and dressed as Friar Tuck from Robin Hood but still regret everyday recording over the Betamax tape it was stored on.
9. Have an affair with an older woman: which subsequently has become with the progression of time, have an affair with a younger women. When this ambition was conceived I was nineteen and the older women was a 30 something mature stunner. Now I am thirty something, I want to go back to the nineteen year olds as I have discovered thirty somethings are just moans who “what a meaningful relationship” and struggle to keep the skin around the eyes from falling off the bone.
10. Have a look through one of those massive optical telescopes at the top of a hill: I must inform you that I am not an astronomer and I do not want to see an image from the telescope on a screen and I do not want to see a printed picture from the telescope. I want to put my eye against the big eye piece and actually look and point it at, what I want to look at. I would point it down the hill and watch extremely closely what the people in the local town were up to.

I hope you have enjoyed my list and I have in some way encouraged you to either run off and make a list of your own or go and tart up a list you already had before reading this blog.

this town aint big enough for the both of us

When driving through town, what irritates the modern day driver the most? Perhaps this is the pedestrian, oblivious to the road and its traffic, obviously living within a dimension that exists without road going vehicles, the suicidal Neanderthal with the “they always brake on time” mentality. Or could it be the Street Sweeper, coming towards you at 8mph “the wrong way” with it’s unsuccessful, forty something, failed drummer driver more interested in the sounds of the washed up rock and roll band he’d always aspired to emulate, coming out of his iPod headphones than the activities of the roads roundabout him. Could it be the weekend out of town driver, driving the city streets for the first time in ten years in a vain attempt to pick up her daughter/granddaughter from a night of clubbing? Stopping at every opportunity and blocking the road to reassure them self that not only are they completely lost and have no clue which lane they should be in at any given time and not giving normal, sane drivers the opportunity to get to where the need to be without missing every set of lights.

Well for me, none of the above. The scourge of the modern day city road is what the water rat was to the 19th century canals, the ostentatious, three quarter empty, black smoke producing, and politically correct monstrosity known as the bus. They come in two “Decker” sizes, single and double but cause an equally large amount of road related nastiness.

The endless start/stop, lane changing antics of the modern bus is undoubtedly the cause of most city centre congestion and non RTA related traffic jams. They drive in the outside lane until less then 5 yards until the next stop. Then without due care or attention, never mind a second thought for the motorist who is about to smash his brake pedal through the floor to avoid colliding with the bus in question, pull over to the inside and come to a sudden halt. A domino effect then ensues, following this inconsiderate and frankly dangerous manoeuvre. The lane in to which the bus has gone comes to a sudden halt for the best part of a quarter mile. The vehicles in that lane attempt to move into the outside lane to circumvent the offending double Decker. This with its “flashing off lights” “On you go, mate” antics then brings lane two to a stand still. Multiply this effect by the over abundant bus population throughout the city centre, what do you get? A gridlocked city.

The lane weaving is not the only transgression by the road whales. Lights at red, during peak times are re tuned by road traffic management experts to allow the maximum number of vehicles to pass at green. I ask you this. Did these men with their bow ties and bowler hats, carrying there oversized clip boards, take into consideration that when calculating the acceleration of the average vehicle to enter into their algorithm for calculating the timing of the lights, that not only are bus engines completely powerless and badly maintained but the idiot that was chosen at a line up rather than an interview is doing a crossword at the wheel or reading a porno mag. Thus will not notice the lights changing until they are back to amber, only giving him the opportunity to pass and leaving the rest of us to mull over, where we could be rather than still at the same red light. Again the congestion builds.

Who drives these things, at what point in your life do you say, “I know what I want to do, drive a bus”. I doubt that thought runs through any ones mind. I do however, believe that the bus companies have a recruiting agency, working round the clock, head hunting at the finest lunatic asylums in the land. Let’s face it, some of these idiots and so called human beings driving the buses have a sense of self esteem that is way below the foundations propping up rock bottom. Picture the scene, your driving along the light in front turns red. You are stopped, perfectly legally and within the rules of the road behind the stop line. Around comes a bus, with a similar turning circle to the Titanic’s crappy sister ship, and surprise, surprise he/she is unable to manoeuvre the bus around the corner without smashing your car to pieces. Then we get the volley of abusive language, the questioning of your parents marriage status at the time of your birth, the explicit accusations of the number of sexual partners your mother and wife have had and the questioning of your own sexual orientation and preferences. Lets look at what has just happened, the bus drivers face is turning purple and he/she is about to have an aneurism because his vehicle that is clearly unfit for purpose and is unmanoeuvrable on city roads can’t get by your car stopped in the place it is supposed to be. Here is my question to the bus driver. Mister bus driver, if you are paid by the hour, why are you getting yourself in to such an emotional state over this which is clearly your own fault? Surely if you are 6 minutes late, you are paid the same money for your unsatisfying job? My advice to you, relax, because if you don’t, you’ll be dead before you retire.

Who actually uses buses now? Though, I detest the bus, I can’t help conjuring up images of bright red London buses, the type with the open door at the back with a cheeky cockney conductor, the ringing of the stop bell, a happy collection of World War II styled passengers. A bus beaming with the type of gentlemen who are never caught without their hat or with a lit senior service in hand or mouth and all singing “pack up your troubles” Unfortunately, this is a time that has long since existed, in fact probably never existed. Another fantasy drilled in to my head by sitcoms and films my grandfather forced me to watch when I was off school as a child. The reality of the modern bus is much different, frequented by asylum seekers, unwilling to give up the seat they have rested their shopping on, for a 90 year old hero, who fought the Nazis on the beaches of Normandy. Alcoholics and drug addicts, who insist you give them “a shot of your phone” or “money for a coupe of tea” The seats unlike the pristine leather upholstered rest beds you would expect are actually kebab smeared, chewing gum ridden disasters.

So, to you, the city council, town hall, or mayor or the city do us all a favour, remove the buses from the city centre. I am not suggesting that buses are abolished but rather confined to the suburban routes were they belong. Leave the city centre transport to the Kings of the urban transportation system, the taxi drivers. Kill congestion in one swoop, make all our lives just that little bit easier because this town aint big enough for the both of us.