Well for me, none of the above. The scourge of the modern day city road is what the water rat was to the 19th century canals, the ostentatious, three quarter empty, black smoke producing, and politically correct monstrosity known as the bus. They come in two “Decker” sizes, single and double but cause an equally large amount of road related nastiness.The endless start/stop, lane changing antics of the modern bus is undoubtedly the cause of most city centre congestion and non RTA related traffic jams. They drive in the outside lane until less then 5 yards until the next stop. Then without due care or attention, never mind a second thought for the motorist who is about to smash his brake pedal through the floor to avoid colliding with the bus in question, pull over to the inside and come to a sudden halt. A domino effect then ensues, following this inconsiderate and frankly dangerous manoeuvre. The lane in to which the bus has gone comes to a sudden halt for the best part of a quarter mile. The vehicles in that lane attempt to move into the outside lane to circumvent the offending double Decker. This with its “flashing off lights” “On you go, mate” antics then brings lane two to a stand still. Multiply this effect by the over abundant bus population throughout the city centre, what do you get? A gridlocked city.
The lane weaving is not the only transgression by the road whales. Lights at red, during peak times are re tuned by road traffic management experts to allow the maximum number of vehicles to pass at green. I ask you this. Did these men with their bow ties and bowler hats, carrying there oversized clip boards, take into consideration that when calculating the acceleration of the average vehicle to enter into their algorithm for calculating the timing of the lights, that not only are bus engines completely powerless and badly maintained but the idiot that was chosen at a line up rather than an interview is doing a crossword at the wheel or reading a porno mag. Thus will not notice the lights changing until they are back to amber, only giving him the opportunity to pass and leaving the rest of us to mull over, where we could be rather than still at the same red light. Again the congestion builds.
Who drives these things, at what point in your life do you say, “I know what I want to do, drive a bus”. I doubt that thought runs through any ones mind. I do however, believe that the bus companies have a recruiting agency, working round the clock, head hunting at the finest lunatic asylums in the land. Let’s face it, some of these idiots and so called human beings driving the buses have a sense of self esteem that is way below the foundations propping up rock bottom. Picture the scene, your driving along the light in front turns red. You are stopped, perfectly legally and within the rules of the road behind the stop line. Around comes a bus, with a similar turning circle to the Titanic’s crappy sister ship, and surprise, surprise he/she is unable to manoeuvre the bus around the corner without smashing your car to pieces. Then we get the volley of abusive language, the questioning of your parents marriage status at the time of your birth, the explicit accusations of the number of sexual partners your mother and wife have had and the questioning of your own sexual orientation and preferences. Lets look at what has just happened, the bus drivers face is turning purple and he/she is about to have an aneurism because his vehicle that is clearly unfit for purpose and is unmanoeuvrable on city roads can’t get by your car stopped in the place it is supposed to be. Here is my question to the bus driver. Mister bus driver, if you are paid by the hour, why are you getting yourself in to such an emotional state over this which is clearly your own fault? Surely if you are 6 minutes late, you are paid the same money for your unsatisfying job? My advice to you, relax, because if you don’t, you’ll be dead before you retire.
Who actually uses buses now? Though, I detest the bus, I can’t help conjuring up images of bright red London buses, the type with the open door at the back with a cheeky cockney conductor, the ringing of the stop bell, a happy collection of World War II styled passengers. A bus beaming with the type of gentlemen who are never caught without their hat or with a lit senior service in hand or mouth and all singing “pack up your troubles” Unfortunately, this is a time that has long since existed, in fact probably never existed. Another fantasy drilled in to my head by sitcoms and films my grandfather forced me to watch when I was off school as a child. The reality of the modern bus is much different, frequented by asylum seekers, unwilling to give up the seat they have rested their shopping on, for a 90 year old hero, who fought the Nazis on the beaches of Normandy. Alcoholics and drug addicts, who insist you give them “a shot of your phone” or “money for a coupe of tea” The seats unlike the pristine leather upholstered rest beds you would expect are actually kebab smeared, chewing gum ridden disasters.So, to you, the city council, town hall, or mayor or the city do us all a favour, remove the buses from the city centre. I am not suggesting that buses are abolished but rather confined to the suburban routes were they belong. Leave the city centre transport to the Kings of the urban transportation system, the taxi drivers. Kill congestion in one swoop, make all our lives just that little bit easier because this town aint big enough for the both of us.
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